A Letter to Someone I Need to Forgive

Dear Me,

How are you? I hope you are doing well, if not, then it’s business as usual huh.

Are you aware of how much I hate you? Because I really do and I make sure that you know how much by telling you how stupid you are, how dumb you are, how useless you are, how worthless you are, how ugly you are, how fat your are, how fucked up in the head you are, what a stupid daughter you are, and what a horrible, horrible person you are. What? You’re not even going to try to deny it? Gawd, you’re stupid.

Whatever. It’s been years and I know that it’s about time that I forgive you, but I can’t. Thinking back on what you did and the fact that you made your mother cry is enough reason for me not to. You don’t deserve the happiness that other people have. You don’t deserve to be loved. What you deserve is to reflect on what you’ve done and how it affected other people for the rest of your life. You deserve to be alone. At least, that’s what I want to rub on your face, but the truth is, I’m tired. I’m f*cking tired of being lonely, anxious, and hating you every second of the day. I’m tired of you crying at the smallest amount of sadness or angst when you read a story or watch videos. I’m tired.

I’m well aware that you tried opening up about your mental and emotional state to your mother but that didn’t go well. Hah. You were shot down even before you finished your third sentence, right? Remember what she said? “It’s all in your head.” I also remember those days when you decided to be more open and social and so you joined this Christian group? What good did that do you other than being closer to God? None. They claim that everyone is welcome to walk with them in God’s path but that was a f*cking lie. I liked that you were putting God first but I abhorred the fact that even in that ‘Christian group’ you were still somehow isolated. And I know why: you’re not welcome unless you convert to their religion and I know how steadfast you are in your religion and all you wanted was to hear the words of God and not look for another religion to convert to. They’re a bunch of hypocrites. That was the moment you knew that you only have yourself to rely on because you can’t even open up to your friends and those who are aware of what you did can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through.

YOU’RE ALONE. Accept that fact.

I am not totally indifferent to your suffering though. I know how you turn to reading and watching Anime to escape from your thoughts because you get to see their colorful and adventurous worlds compared to your bland reality. I know how you hate going out of the house and would absolutely prefer to lock yourself up in the room because you find it hard to just stay in the presence of people you’re not close to and try to connect. I know that the reason you sleep almost the entire day is because it gives you the peace of mind of not remembering the things you’ve done and have yet to do. It sucks, right?

But you see, I can’t forgive you. Not yet at least. I don’t hold grudges but you, myself, are very special. I just tolerate you.  I still hate you but not enough to let you commit suicide or cut yourself. I hate you enough to hate yourself.

I pray that one day I can finally forgive you but until then, I hope you find yourself’s worth.


I Want to be in Love No More

I know I said that I would stay as his friend. I know I told my friends that I’ll do my best to support him in whatever makes him happy. But what if his happiness meant getting back with his ex?

Back then, when someone asked me what it means to love I would’ve told them that love is accepting the person as how he/she is and helping them to become better. Not by forcing them but by inspiring them to do so. I would have told them that love is unconditional. Nothing matters but the both of you. Not your family, friend, nor religion. But now, if someone asks me what love means, I would tell them, “Love means sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of your love’s happiness; even if it’s not with you.” I am pretty sure that this line is one of the most cliché ones out there but it’s true. I can vouch for it.

Love is trying your best to make him smile and laugh even though being a happy-go-lucky person is not in your system. Love is making him feel that he is important and that someone cares for him especially when he is feeling down and sick. Love is paying attention to the littlest details of what makes him happy and what makes him tick. Love is listening to his problems and making him feel that someone is out there always willing to lend an ear. Love is comforting him for hours as he cries over that girl who hurt him so bad but he still could not forget. Love is supporting him as he gets back with that same girl. Love is going through that pain of loving him again and again despite knowing that he’ll never love you back for the simple reason of seeing him smile.

I do not regret falling in love with him because he made me realize the person I could be. He showed me that there’s more to life than my problems and how fun adventures could be. He makes me happy. He makes me want to become a better person. What I do regret is knowing that I will never have what it takes to complete him. I regret that I know I will never be the reason why the sparkles return to his eyes; that I won’t be the reason he smiles so genuinely; and that I won’t be the reason he becomes so motivated to get through the day.

My first love is so bittersweet. As much as I’d love to distance myself away from him, I can’t or else everyone will be wondering. Monday is fast approaching and my heart is not ready to see him with someone else. If I didn’t have any obligations I would surely skip class that day, but alas, I do and they’d be on my case if I don’t show up.

This kind of love hurts, but I have no right to complain because I am just a friend. That’s my place. I don’t want to be in love any more but there’s nothing I can do about it. I still have four weeks to endure this pain. I think I can do that. I know I said that I’d tell him about how I feel when graduation rolls, but I guess even that won’t be happening now. I don’t want to put any strain to their relationship. I have to be content with looking inside from the outside.


Falling in Love is Scary AF

For years I believed that I will never fall in love. I love to joke about it and proudly tell my friends that falling in love is just not for me. I didn’t say it because I wanted to sound cool or because I was hurt before (actually, an ex did double-time me but it’s not enough reason for me to be that bitter), it was just that I did not believe that I had the capacity for romantic love at all. Actually, I don’t think I have it in me to actually love someone even if it is in the familial or friendly way. My version of love is more like a ‘care’ instead.

With that said, I think it’s fairly obvious that I’ve never fallen in love. I have seen friends get really high and euphoric because of love. I’ve seen friends achieve many great things because of love; and I have seen friends cry and get depressed because of love. I was not too hyped about love although I admit that there are times when I wished I can be just like other girls who easily do so. I am dearly curious as to what it’s like. I’ve asked others what it’s like to be in love and they all tell me the same thing, “happiness”. Well I guess that is pretty understandable seeing that a relationship is composed of two people to make it work. But it makes me really wonder though. I’ve had crushes before so I know how giddiness feels like and I’ve been into two relationships before but I don’t think that I’ve reached the same level of happiness as my friends did. I admit I was, am, lonely.

Well, that changed a couple of weeks ago.

There’s this man. This young man with his sun-kissed skin, warm brown eyes, black unruly hair, a fun and out-going personality, a gentleman with the right mix of naughtiness, and a drop-dead gorgeous smile. He’s also very driven, selfless to the point of abusing himself, kind, very respectful, capable, has a one-track mind, and is actually really sensitive despite his bravado. He is everything I am not and maybe it’s why I started falling for him.

At first I did not mind it because I thought it was just going to be a normal crush. Then a week passed and I thought, “Nah, this is just an infatuation.”. Another week passed and I got to know him a bit deeper then I thought, “Shit. I think I’m falling in love.”. Never before have I felt that powerful urge to run my fingers through his messy hair, to kiss him most especially when he gives me that shy smile, hug him just because, and to simply be by his side just because he makes my day infinitely better.

These urges scare me. They scare me because it made me realize that I no longer have a complete control on what I feel. It scares me because my heart is now out in the open, vulnerable to rejection. I am so scared that it makes me want to cry. I used to keep telling my family and friends that I won’t look for love because when the time is right, love will find me; and guess what? It fucking did. My friends laughed and told me to just accept my fate and enjoy being in love. They told me not to stop it or else it’ll become worse. But that’s just the thing. I don’t want to give it room to grow; I just want it to stop.

I’ve mentioned that I was able to get to know him better and this means I know about a personal issue that he has. He has issues. I have issues. Everyone has issues. But knowing what it is, I believe that I am not the right person that would help him soothe that pain. I don’t plan to be his savior. What I do want to be, is to be his comfort and solace when shit gets real; and I know I can’t be that person.

Even if I wish to be with him, I can’t. He has dreams and I won’t hold him back. I’ll just let myself be that friend who’ll support him wherever he is happy. However, if by the time graduation (I’m in college, folks) comes and what I feel does not, in anyway, disappears, then I’ll tell him. I want to come clean before we part ways. I have it all planned out: I’d get him alone then tell him straight out what I feel. I’ll tell him that I don’t expect him to answer or anything and all that jazz, and then walk away. Just like the dramatic bitch I actually am.

Falling in love is fucking scary but once love gets you, there’s no turning back.

How was your first love?