I know I said that I would stay as his friend. I know I told my friends that I’ll do my best to support him in whatever makes him happy. But what if his happiness meant getting back with his ex?
Back then, when someone asked me what it means to love I would’ve told them that love is accepting the person as how he/she is and helping them to become better. Not by forcing them but by inspiring them to do so. I would have told them that love is unconditional. Nothing matters but the both of you. Not your family, friend, nor religion. But now, if someone asks me what love means, I would tell them, “Love means sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of your love’s happiness; even if it’s not with you.” I am pretty sure that this line is one of the most cliché ones out there but it’s true. I can vouch for it.
Love is trying your best to make him smile and laugh even though being a happy-go-lucky person is not in your system. Love is making him feel that he is important and that someone cares for him especially when he is feeling down and sick. Love is paying attention to the littlest details of what makes him happy and what makes him tick. Love is listening to his problems and making him feel that someone is out there always willing to lend an ear. Love is comforting him for hours as he cries over that girl who hurt him so bad but he still could not forget. Love is supporting him as he gets back with that same girl. Love is going through that pain of loving him again and again despite knowing that he’ll never love you back for the simple reason of seeing him smile.
I do not regret falling in love with him because he made me realize the person I could be. He showed me that there’s more to life than my problems and how fun adventures could be. He makes me happy. He makes me want to become a better person. What I do regret is knowing that I will never have what it takes to complete him. I regret that I know I will never be the reason why the sparkles return to his eyes; that I won’t be the reason he smiles so genuinely; and that I won’t be the reason he becomes so motivated to get through the day.
My first love is so bittersweet. As much as I’d love to distance myself away from him, I can’t or else everyone will be wondering. Monday is fast approaching and my heart is not ready to see him with someone else. If I didn’t have any obligations I would surely skip class that day, but alas, I do and they’d be on my case if I don’t show up.
This kind of love hurts, but I have no right to complain because I am just a friend. That’s my place. I don’t want to be in love any more but there’s nothing I can do about it. I still have four weeks to endure this pain. I think I can do that. I know I said that I’d tell him about how I feel when graduation rolls, but I guess even that won’t be happening now. I don’t want to put any strain to their relationship. I have to be content with looking inside from the outside.