I was never the most sociable child in grade school. In fact, I had a bit of a personality and a bit of a weirdo and that means I did not have anyone having a crush on me or anything (just kidding, I had one crush who liked me back too). I was also impulsive and had the tendency to speak before I think, I’m guessing that these are not the traits boys like in a girl. But I decided to stay positive and my mind began to come up with these ridiculous notions of having me getting swept off of my feet by some cute boy and overly romantic gestures but of course it did not happen, and I was an impatient twerp. In my freshman year in high school, I found the girls who would later become my sisters by heart and also, I found my first ever boyfriend…of a week (as I remember).
He was your typical shy, quiet, anime-loving boy you’d meet in a crowd. Personally I did not think he was all that cute but it was his eyes that drew me in. There was just something in those eyes that made him really appealing to me. Guess what I did? I threw caution in the wind and decided to make the first move but before that I knew I needed to get his number. I thought of how to get his number without being obvious to him and our classmates (we were classmates) and the idea came to me in the form of making a show of asking everyone’s number with the excuse of, ‘in case of emergency or school matters’ and everyone who were in the room gave me their number. After that, I went to the comfort room and deleted their numbers except for his and went I got home, I began to text him.
Texts became friendster (it was the popular thing back then) testimonials then testimonials became yahoo chats. Texts and social media were our forms of communications. The sad thing about it is that we never really talked to each other in school, much less in class except for that 1st week of classes where I saw him sketching on his desk during break time and I went up to him and said, “Oh, you like anime too? That’s a cool drawing. Can you draw me Naruto?” All I got was a shy mumble and a head shake. I shrugged it off and went to search for my best friend. Yes, it was doomed from the start.
Anyway, we were chatting one night and after a predictable game of, “Tell me who your crush is and I’ll tell you mine” I eventually told him that I liked him. A few days later I texted, “So…are we together or not?”. Yes I moved in for the kill. So we were together after that but it frustrated me because we text and chat too much but we don’t even talk in class. One might ask why I didn’t go to him and initiate a conversation but I got shy and I thought, ‘Oh hell, I asked him. I’ve done my job now why the hell is still not talking to me?’ I wanted him to come to me and effing talk but nothing. I do not remember when we got together but I believe it was somewhere in early February because we were together for barely a week then broke up with him about two days after Valentines Day. Yes, I know. BAD. I did feel bad especially since he bought me chocolates and a bear for Valentines Day and I have no other reason for breaking up with him other than realizing that I am not friggin ready to be in a relationship just yet. B*tch. Yes. Me. So yeah, the next day, for some reason, everyone in the class knew that we broke up. Some of his friends even went up to me and ask me if I could give him another chance but my answer stayed the same, ‘No.’ That was that. I thought it would be over then but nope. I was wrong.
For some reason, whatever I did or said to him before or during the short time that we were together made such a deep impression on him that he cannot move on from me. No, I am not bragging. It is the truth. During sophomore year, he transferred to another school because I heard his parents asked him accompany his cousin there. Over the summer I had fleeting thoughts about him and my feelings for him and there were times that I thought I liked him and there were also times that I didn’t. By then facebook was becoming well-known and who was I to be left behind by the times? I made an account and eventually we found each other there. We started chatting again and here I was, I got moved by the delusions that yes, I do like him. I gave him my number and we started to text each other again but eventually the cycle repeats itself, I find myself disliking the thought of being in a relationship with him and so I told him to stop. Again. The third cycle repeated when I was a high school senior. I told him I effing needed ‘space’. I had so much bull reasoning then.
We went to different schools in college and over my years in university, he has not stopped liking, commenting, or posting stuffs that are related to me. I am not being delusional because those posts were confirmed by a classmate of mine whose boyfriend then was his classmate. He is posts stuff that is about pining for me and in retaliation, I post stuff about being single and happy or about being in love when I was on the verge of falling in love with the friend. I honestly ticked off and guilty about the whole thing because I felt that whenever I post anything that was remotely romantic, he’d think it was about him and if he thinks that it is about him then it means that I am unintentionally stringing him along and that grates my conscience. I mean I know I started the whole thing but I thought that no one was dumb enough not to stop when the signals to do so are already everywhere. I was wrong.
Some of my closest college friends did not understand my stand about the whole thing. They were swept away about how romantic it was that he was still waiting and hoping for me to come back to him. That left feeling unsettled because by then I was desperately trying to figure out if I liked him or not. But I thought to myself that he actually is the ideal boyfriend. He is kind, patient, sweet, and thoughtful but I guess those are not really the main things that I needed.
The chance came during my 22nd birthday. He chatted me up on facebook that morning to greet me and I jokingly replied that I am expecting a gift but I should have known that he would take it seriously. He said he would stop by around 7 in the evening with my gift. My mom works in another city so I texted her about him and she told me to tell my dad so that I could invite him to eat for dinner. I also told my dad and he was alright with it. So eventually, night came, he stopped by and gave me a cake and I asked him to go inside and eat dinner with us. It was pretty intimate because my best friends were not available because of work and there were only me, my dad, my little brother, my uncle, and our maid. He met them and by the end of the night, they all liked him. Our maid, who’s been working for us since I was in 4th grade, knew about him and he was the most excited about his visit and seeing him in person. But all that aside, I finally figured out his place in my life: there was none. My answer was no, I do not like him and no I do not want to start over.
I told my best friends about it and they suggested to ask him out so that we could sit down, talk, and finally have our long overdue closure. It took me a week to muster up the courage and think of what to say. But by Saturday I still had no idea what to tell him and I thought to myself, ‘To hell with this, I’m just going to wing it. I just want this done and over with.” I told my friends that I’ll ask him out that night and meet up with him on Sunday morning in a tea shop. My friends agreed with my decision but they want at least one of them to be with me as a lookout from a distance because let’s face it, I don’t know that guy well. So I asked him out to a tea shop and told him that I needed to tell him something and he agreed. He asked for my number but I told him that I prefer to use messenger because I don’t text (it’s true but also partly because I don’t want him to have my number).
So the day came. My friend and I commuted because I did not have a driver’s license. I didn’t tell him that I was bringing someone, I just told him that I had something really important to tell him. So we got to the meeting place and I introduced him to my friend. When we were ordering, he offered to pay for our drinks but I refused and busied by perusing the menu and talking it over with my friend. I was effing nervous. After that we looked for a table and we chose that farthest table in the shop while my friend sat 4 tables away from us. I made a small talk with him as we waited for our drinks because I figured how awkward it would be to be interrupted by the server. Soon, the drinks came and it took me about 2 minutes to have the courage and speak. I took out the necklace that he gave me, placed in front of him and said, ‘I need you to stop.’ From then on, it was like a breakup scene from a movie. I told him everything that came into mind at that moment. I told him the truth.
– Our Conversation non-verbatim (We were talking in Tagalog so I translated it to English)
Me: To be honest, for years I was confused about how I felt for you because there were times when I thought I liked you but there were also times that I didn’t. But you having dinner with me and my dad on my birthday finally gave me the chance to assess your place in my life. You talked with my dad, you saw my brother and all that. It was then I realized that the most I could offer you is my friendship.
He didn’t say anything but I saw his hands tremble as he was playing with his straw.
Me: I kept telling you to move on because there are other girls out there who can give you the happiness that you deserve, the happiness that you won’t find with me.
Him: But I become happy when I think of you and whenever I see you happy.
Me: Stop trying to be a martyr.
Him: I am not.
Me: Yes you are. You are letting yourself get hurt by me… Okay fine, I’m the bad bitch. I’m the antagonist. Call me selfish but it is in my conscience that you’re getting hurt because of me. A few years ago you told me to let you be and let you love me from afar but I can’t do that because no matter how hard I try to not think about it, the fact eventually comes up now and then that I am hurting you one way or other, intentionally or unintentionally.
Him: I don’t understand. What is it you are looking for that you can’t find in me.
Me: I need someone who I don’t feel like I have to wear a mask and pretend that I am someone else. Someone who makes me feel secure that I am willing to share my secrets, my thoughts, and my feelings. Someone who I can feel safe with my thoughts.
Him: What about me?
Me: My thoughts don’t feel safe with you. And I know that people like that exists because I have friends that are just that so I know that I am not just fantasizing and making things up. It’s just that, that person hasn’t come my way yet…if only you weren’t in love with me, you would’ve made a great best friend.
He was silent then but I knew I couldn’t stop now.
Me: You insist that you love me but you don’t even know and I don’t even know you.
Him: …there’s that. Can’t we start over? This time as friends first.
Me: It’s fine with me but I don’t think it’s possible with you because you have feelings for me. And if I let that happen, then I would unintentionally string you along again because I know that whatever I do, it can’t be helped if you start thinking, ‘Yes, I have a chance with her.” And I am sorry. I am sorry because I know it’s my fault that I gave you hints that I was interested in you. I am so sorry.
Him: I don’t want to move on because you’re the only that I love.
Me: You’re saying that now because for years, your focus has been on me. You don’t open yourself to other girls who are willing to give you the love you deserve.
Him: I don’t to fool myself. It doesn’t matter if I find someone else because I’ll still be in love with you.
Me: Well I don’t want to fool myself into thinking that I can love you back. I want you to unfriend me on facebook. I want it to come from you. I want you to move on. Don’t be unfair to yourself.
Well, that’s basically it. Until now he hasn’t unfriended me on facebook and well, that’s no longer on me. Call me heartless but I feel like a heavy load is finally off my shoulder and I feel free. Now, I have no intentions of being in a relationship or getting married soon as my aunts suggest to me. I don’t want to get married but I am not closing myself to the idea because I don’t know what God’s plans are for me.