A Letter to Someone I Need to Forgive

Dear Me,

How are you? I hope you are doing well, if not, then it’s business as usual huh.

Are you aware of how much I hate you? Because I really do and I make sure that you know how much by telling you how stupid you are, how dumb you are, how useless you are, how worthless you are, how ugly you are, how fat your are, how fucked up in the head you are, what a stupid daughter you are, and what a horrible, horrible person you are. What? You’re not even going to try to deny it? Gawd, you’re stupid.

Whatever. It’s been years and I know that it’s about time that I forgive you, but I can’t. Thinking back on what you did and the fact that you made your mother cry is enough reason for me not to. You don’t deserve the happiness that other people have. You don’t deserve to be loved. What you deserve is to reflect on what you’ve done and how it affected other people for the rest of your life. You deserve to be alone. At least, that’s what I want to rub on your face, but the truth is, I’m tired. I’m f*cking tired of being lonely, anxious, and hating you every second of the day. I’m tired of you crying at the smallest amount of sadness or angst when you read a story or watch videos. I’m tired.

I’m well aware that you tried opening up about your mental and emotional state to your mother but that didn’t go well. Hah. You were shot down even before you finished your third sentence, right? Remember what she said? “It’s all in your head.” I also remember those days when you decided to be more open and social and so you joined this Christian group? What good did that do you other than being closer to God? None. They claim that everyone is welcome to walk with them in God’s path but that was a f*cking lie. I liked that you were putting God first but I abhorred the fact that even in that ‘Christian group’ you were still somehow isolated. And I know why: you’re not welcome unless you convert to their religion and I know how steadfast you are in your religion and all you wanted was to hear the words of God and not look for another religion to convert to. They’re a bunch of hypocrites. That was the moment you knew that you only have yourself to rely on because you can’t even open up to your friends and those who are aware of what you did can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through.

YOU’RE ALONE. Accept that fact.

I am not totally indifferent to your suffering though. I know how you turn to reading and watching Anime to escape from your thoughts because you get to see their colorful and adventurous worlds compared to your bland reality. I know how you hate going out of the house and would absolutely prefer to lock yourself up in the room because you find it hard to just stay in the presence of people you’re not close to and try to connect. I know that the reason you sleep almost the entire day is because it gives you the peace of mind of not remembering the things you’ve done and have yet to do. It sucks, right?

But you see, I can’t forgive you. Not yet at least. I don’t hold grudges but you, myself, are very special. I just tolerate you.  I still hate you but not enough to let you commit suicide or cut yourself. I hate you enough to hate yourself.

I pray that one day I can finally forgive you but until then, I hope you find yourself’s worth.



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